But the problem with these rankings is that they deny the reality that death is sad and loss is painful. Moreover, some people also assume-as you seem to, with your view that your mother’s experience is “100 times worse”-that there’s a hierarchy of grieving, and that pain can be ranked based on a person’s role in the deceased’s life, such as being the surviving spouse versus the surviving child. (This misconception about loss also happens with adult children whose parents divorce.) Adult children, on the other hand, might find that after the initial condolences, people assume that they’re okay and then don’t bring up the loss again. I’m pointing this out because when young children lose a parent, people around them typically try to provide them with space to process their grief-family members might encourage them to talk about what they’re feeling, or set up family or individual sessions with a therapist, or send them to a grief group for children.
It makes sense that you’re seeking emotional support, because losing a parent is a significant event in a person’s life, and that doesn’t change just because you’re an adult. I’m sorry that you haven’t been able to share your grief with your mother at a time when you’re both reeling from this tremendous loss. I feel like I’m on a seesaw between wanting to advocate for myself but also wanting to be conscientious of her grieving, and I don’t know what to do. But at the same time, I don’t want to be silently resentful. I just don’t know if it’s appropriate to bring up my feelings, because his death has affected her 100 times worse than it has affected me. I find myself calling her less frequently and then feeling bad about that. She will often apologize for talking about her sadness, and I respond by telling her the words I want to hear-that it’s important to talk about our loss, and that we need to talk about how it is affecting us. I haven’t brought up my more general feeling of a lack of emotional support because I don’t want to hurt her when she’s going through such a difficult time. I’ve told her it would be nice for her to call me sometimes, and she kind of apologizes, but then doesn’t follow through. Even when I call her and she’s busy and says she’ll call me back, she doesn’t.
#A LETTER TO MY MOTHER SHE WILL NEVER READ FREE#
I am always the one to call, and although I end each phone call with “Feel free to call me anytime,” she never initiates. But there doesn’t seem to be a space for me to receive emotional support from her. She does talk about how she feels, and I want her to talk to me about that. However, my sister and I both struggle when we talk to her, because she never asks how we are doing with the death of our father. I am very proud of her for all that she has done. My mother is mourning while also having to learn a lot of new skills, such as managing the finances, which my father had always taken care of. We all had very positive relationships with him, and this loss has affected our family greatly. He and my mother had been married for 53 years. My father passed away at the end of May after a long battle with prostate cancer. I’m writing about a struggle I’m having with my mother.
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